The things that happen in life rarely make sense. I know they say that GOD's timing is perfect and that may be true. But Him and I sometimes don't see eye to eye and most of the time I don't understand His ways. For the past few weeks I have been going through many storms. I have felt under spiritual attack in many ways. With as many storms as I have encountered you'd think that I am due a rainbow by now, but there is no rainbow in sight. I feel like I am walking through a constant rainstorm with a dark cloud hanging over my head, reminding me of everything I am doing wrong. I can't sleep, I have been having a lot of bad dreams, that don't seem to go away. I feel like I have the weight of the world my shoulder, that I am struggling to stay a float yet I am drowning. If you only knew what all I was going through, you'd see that I am not exaggerating by any means.
But of all the things I am going through, the one that has probably impacted me the most is the one I am going to share. I met a guy...a great guy! Maybe one of the best guys I think I will ever know. After months of not knowing where he stood because he has been kinda confusing. I sought the wisdom of numerous girls and guys and they all believed from reading text messages, listening to voice mails from him and hearing our conversations that he was being flirtatious and was interested in me. My conversations with these individuals lead to dinner with him.
Now this isn't just any guy. This is the guy who I had become very close with over the past 9 months. We confided in each other things. He had become my best friend. I don't know if that is how he felt about me but that was certainly how I felt about him. We shared things that boyfriends and girlfriends would share with each other (so my girlfriends said). He even came to my rescue a couple of times. I fell for him and he had became my best friend/knight in shining armor all in one.
The dinner was nice. It needed to happen. I needed clarity and I got it. I have to say that was probably the most heartfelt rejection anyone could ever get, but even the sweetest words don't change the fact that the words just spoken have broken my heart, which is still breaking. Is there a chance that he cares for me, "Yes"...after all that's what he said. He also said not to wait for him, he encouraged me to find someone else. That hurt!...oh boy did that HURT!!!
I had tried to get over him before and it didn't work. I don't know why when some friends encouraged me to see other guys why I even thought that would work. The men I met at an event after my heart was ripped from my chest, made me only miss him more. And it was never the idea of him that I was missing...it was him. Who he is, what he looks like, his character, his personality, sense of humor, love for GOD, even his flaws, all of him - the complete package...that's what I want/desire. That's what I have been praying for, wished for, fell for and now missing, my heart breaking over.
I am at a loss. Am searching but don't know for what or what I should be searching for? I feel like I am wondering aimlessly around in this storm...trying to look for the rainbow. The rainbow of hope that tells me it's going to be ok. That my heart will someday stop wanting him, stop breaking, that it will heal. I don't know what GOD wants me to take away from this. I don't know if there is something my heart should learn from this. I need GOD so bad right now that I wish He would come to me in human form and lift me into His arms and comfort me as the tears fall.
So in the mean time, what should I do as I try to figure out what GOD is doing? I think I need to take a hiatus from men, it will be a men-cation...at least until I get clarity form GOD of what's going on in my life, and why there are so many nightmares, storms and spiritual attacks right now. And I am going to trust that even though there is no rainbow in sight that it doesn't mean there won't be one down the road or around the corner. I'm going to trust that GOD is at work behind the scenes even though I feel at times like he has forgotten all about me, but I know that really isn't the case.
Maybe you too are experienceing loss or heart ache. I'm sharing so you know you're not alone! :)
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