Monday, March 4, 2013

There is a SEASON for everything

Changes take place all the time. I am not the biggest fan of change. Though for the most part, change can be good. Everyone's life is constantly changing. People change, they grow up, their dreams and desires change. Sometimes it can take a situation, a conversation, a moment for you to realize "change" is needed. Sometimes it takes the realization that everyone around you has changed, except you...to loosen the grip of your stupid ideals and put them on the shelf or discard them all together. Today was thst day. Friendships come and go, they change, dissolve, pull away and even end.

There truly is a season for everything. Sometimes those seasons end sooner than you'd like

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Caught in the CROSSFIRE


Nothing can prepare you for the day when you come home from work to find that  your neighborhood, your apartment complex, your building, your parking spot, even your front door was the very scene of a crime.

Last night when I arrived home at 5:45pm I came home to police cars everywhere. I knew something wasn't right but wasn't sure what. After asking neighbors what was going on, I was informed that at 5pm (when I getting ready to come home) shots were fired outisde my front door. The first shots were fired in my building in the row of apartments next to mine. The shots continued out into the parking lot hitting a car 2 parking spots over from my parking spot. I remember driving home wondering why it was taking so long to get home, why there was so much traffic. I actually left earlier yesterday than I usually do.

I can't help but wonder what time the gunfire ceased? Or what would have happened if I had pulled into the parking lot earlier than 5:45pm last night? Would I have gotten "Caught in the CROSSFIRE"? I thanked GOD for being held up in traffic last night and I know without a doubt that He did that to spare my life! But even though it was spared, the traumatic events of the evening still caused me much stress, anxiety, and panic. As the night unfolded I remember thinking this couldn't be happening...that this act of violence was too close for comfort! And of all the nights I tried to get in touch with people, last night proved to be the most difficult time to do so. Of course that frustration only intensified the panic and anxiety attacks. Which mixed with being in the emotional state of hyper vigilance created for me - a very difficult night. I was unable to eat or sleep and cried most of the night out of fear for my life. I kept thinking that gunfire was going to come flying through the walls at me!


I spoke to someone last night who minimized the situation by saying, "It's not like you have a gun held to your head"  - which of course didn't help, because it caused an already jittery terrified woman who was huddled on the floor to  picture the worse case scenarios causing the existing fear to only increase. I was so terrified last night that I slept all night on the floor (with the lights on).  I was too afraid to sleep in my bed  - which is up against the wall that faces the parking lot. I was so shaken by this traumatic event that I called into work and took a personal day today. Even guy friends who I told about this said that they would be freaked out too and one was going to sleep with his gun by his side last night. But I had no gun, I had no one physically beside me to protect me. I had sweet friends offer for me to stay with them but I was paralyzed by fear, unable to move,  afraid something would happen to me if I stepped outside my front door.


I know very lfew details concerning the circumstances surrounding last night's event. I have no idea if this situation could or will happen again? Given that this situation was a domestic violence one - it is a likely probability! The individual who commits an act of domestic violence will not stop until their agenda has been accomplished. I know this all too well, as I am part of the committee for my state's Coalition Against Domestic Violence organization that works to change laws to protect victims/ survivors of Domestic Violence. In fact this month is actually, "Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month".

I don't know why awful things happen. I do know we live in a violent world. That violence happens everywhere! I don't know what we're supposed to learn from these traumatic events when they do happen!?! I know fear is not of GOD,  but when it overcomes you, it is very difficult to break free from it's grip! There are many times in our lives when we will get "Caught in the CROSSFIRE(s)" of this world. These "CROSSFIRE's" could be anything: Temptations, Difficult decisions, An unwanted pregnancy, Bad relationships, Precarious situations, Medical decisions, Decisions where a difficult decision needs to be made, Or you may find yourself walking into a Bad Situation - "At the Wrong Place, at the Wrong Time" kind of thing...something completely out of your control but it is too late to turn around because the situation is now already part of your life.

I believe that the purpose of difficult situations taking place in our lives, is for a couple of reasons: 1) To prepare you for future similar situations still to come, 2) To be used as a training tool to refine your character 3)To be used to help others, to relate to others 4) To help us be able to better handle our emotions, how we react or emotionally respond to situations even people & 5) To draw us closer to GOD.

So even though I am still a little shook up from last night and am still fearful of my living environment and for my safety...I am also thankful, thankful that I get to live to see another day! That I get to wake up and see the sun shining through the beautiful blue sky, that I get to hear the voices of loved ones through the phone, that I get to look forward to meeting my new nephew in a few months and that I got to experience the beautiful smile of my precious niece as she looked at me from  across the table while throwing her lunch on the restaurant  floor....lol. Just hearing her sweet little voice call out to me, "Aunt B" as she stretches out her little arms for me to pick her up so I can hold her as we walk around the restaurant...is indeed a precious gift that this day had in store for me. Each day holds different things for different people. Mine was filled with fear, relief, thankfulness, laughter, and joy. Some people today, won't even make it home to their loved ones tonight...due to traffic accidents, murder, plane crash, suicide and even a fatal gun shot wound.

I don't know what tomorrow will hold but I'm going to try to focus on making the most of the gift of another day...no matter what happens tomorrow...I will thank GOD that I was alive one more day to experience it, to live it, to be a part of it! :)

Sunday, February 17, 2013

The TRIALS and TEARS of this Life


The things that happen in life rarely make sense. I know they say that GOD's timing is perfect and that may be true. But Him and I sometimes don't see eye to eye and most of the time I don't understand His ways. For the past few weeks I have been going through many storms. I have felt under spiritual attack in many ways. With as many storms as I have encountered you'd think that I am due a rainbow by now, but there is no rainbow in sight. I feel like I am walking through a constant rainstorm with a dark cloud hanging over my head, reminding me of everything I am doing wrong. I can't sleep, I have been having a lot of bad dreams, that don't seem to go away. I feel like I have the weight of the world my shoulder, that I am struggling to stay a float yet I am drowning. If you only knew what all I was going through, you'd see that I am not exaggerating by any means.

But of all the things I am going through, the one that has probably impacted me the most is the one I am going to share. I met a guy...a great guy! Maybe one of the best guys I think I will ever know. After months of not knowing where he stood because he has been kinda confusing. I sought the wisdom of numerous girls and guys and they all believed from reading text messages, listening to voice mails from him and hearing our conversations that he was being flirtatious and was interested in me. My conversations with these individuals lead to dinner with him.

Now this isn't just any guy. This is the guy who I had become very close with over the past 9 months. We confided in each other things. He had become my best friend. I don't know if that is how he felt about me but that was certainly how I felt about him. We shared things that boyfriends and girlfriends would share with each other (so my girlfriends said). He even came to my rescue a couple of times. I fell for him and he had became my best friend/knight in shining armor all in one.

The dinner was nice. It needed to happen. I needed clarity and I got it. I have to say that was probably the most heartfelt rejection anyone could ever get, but even the sweetest words don't change the fact that the words just spoken have broken my heart, which is still breaking. Is there a chance that he cares for me, "Yes"...after all that's what he said. He also said not to wait for him, he encouraged me to find someone else. That hurt!...oh boy did that HURT!!!

I had tried to get over him before and it didn't work. I don't know why when some friends encouraged me to see other guys why I even thought that would work. The men I met at an event after my heart was ripped from my chest, made me only miss him more. And it was never the idea of him that I was missing...it was him. Who he is, what he looks like, his character, his personality, sense of humor, love for GOD, even his flaws, all of him - the complete package...that's what I want/desire. That's what I have been praying for, wished for, fell  for and now missing, my heart breaking over.

I am at a loss. Am searching but don't know for what or what I should be searching for? I feel like I am wondering aimlessly around in this storm...trying to look for the rainbow. The rainbow of hope that tells me it's going to be ok. That my heart will someday stop wanting him, stop breaking, that it will heal. I don't know what GOD wants me to take away from this. I don't know if there is something my heart should learn from this. I need GOD so bad right now that I wish He would come to me in human form and lift me into His arms and comfort me as the tears fall.

So in the mean time, what should I do as I try to figure out what GOD is doing? I think I need to take a hiatus from men, it will be a men-cation...at least until I get clarity form GOD of what's going on in my life, and why there are so many nightmares, storms and spiritual attacks right now. And I am going to trust that even though there is no rainbow in sight that it doesn't mean there won't be one down the road or around the corner. I'm going to trust that GOD is at work behind the scenes even though I feel at times like he has forgotten all about me, but I know that really isn't the case.

Maybe you too are experienceing loss or heart ache. I'm sharing so you know you're not alone! :)

Monday, November 19, 2012

Turning the Big 3-0


I was so not looking forward to turning the Big 3-0. That number was so frightening to me! I have always imagined being in a different place in life when I turned 30. I thought I would have been married with a bunch of kids running around. So being single and 30 was certainly not my ideal! As 30 was approaching I just tried not to think about it because just thinking about it made me cringe. I mean who wants to turn 30? Let alone a single woman, who doesn't have a dating life to speak of...I mean how depressing!?! Back in the olden days if you were single at 30 you were considered a spinster...eekkk!

My Dad threw my Mom for her 30th (mind you she had all kids by 28) a surprise funeral. I'm not kidding!! Only for him to whisk her away for 2 weeks. Everyone I talked to about turning 30 was married and had kids...so of course 30  was a great bday for them. They had someone to share it with and had gotten everything they wanted , everything I desired having.

But turning 30 wasn't bad...it actually wasn't bad at all! It was amazing! The best one yet! A weekend getaway, extravagant gifts and 4 Bday celebrations later and I can't complain! All thanks to my wonderful family and friends.  In fact I think I just might decide to turn 30 again next September. Because it was the most incredible Bday celebration of my life! UNFORGETTABLE!! I felt like a Rock Star!

I can't believe all that I have accomplished in the last 30 years and can't wait to see what all GOD is going to do in my life, how He is going to use me and what all He has planned for me. I am so thankful for the life GOD has given me and the amazing things He is using me for. I am especially thankful for my Amazing Family and Friends and how special they made me feel on my Big 30th. I love seeing the way GOD puts things together...don't you?

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Domestic Violence Awareness Month




This month has very special meaning for me not just because it’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month but also because I have a personal tie to this month, because of being a survivor of Domestic Violence (DV). And I have had the honor of being the Guest Speaker at 2 DV events this month. But I don’t enjoy being a survivor of DV, it’s not something I asked for or deserved. I didn’t grow up wanting to be the face of DV. My life has had some devastating turn of events. That have left their mark and caused me intense pain and much sorrow. I wish I had the power to go back in time and remove these events from my life…protect myself from this harm and pain. But I don’t have that power! Life is unpredictable – for better or worse…It just is what it is.

At my speaking event last weekend we had a Q & A, in which the 110 women (including a couple of AZ Governors) that I spoke in front of asked me for my expert opinion on DV. It wasn’t until after I spoke that I thought about how if there was anything I wanted to be an expert on…DV wasn’t it! And that thought saddened me!! During my speech I talked about my healing process and how without GOD I wouldn’t be where I am today. Afterwards I had women coming up to me hugging me and telling me, “What you said really hit home”, “You’re an excellent public speaker I can’t believe this is the first time you have spoken in front of a group this size”, “I love how you said with GOD all things are possible and I wish there was more people like you out there”, “You’re so brave…thank you for sharing”.

Their words really touched me! I knew in that moment that what I went through…what I had endured wasn’t in vain! It had a purpose and that purpose was to encourage, inspire and empower other Victims/Survivors of DV. And just like the verse Genesis 50:20 (What satan meant for evil you intended for good, the saving of many lives.) that I had shared with the women during my speech, I knew was not only true that day but would be true all days as my lasting legacy. Because I would be known as a brave woman, a former victim now survivor of DV who through it all found my voice and was allowing GOD to use me to inspire, empower and encourage other women through the traumatic events, trials and tribulations that I have gone through. I am so grateful GOD can use anyone at any place through any situation! I love when GOD takes our ugly scraps and creates a beautiful tapestry from them. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Adventures in Dating


So this post will be touching on 2 things: First of all this is my response to the Dating Panel my young adults/singles group at church had last Sunday night. And Secondly it's a follow-up to a previous post called "Singleness in the Church" which is a post regarding this same church group.


A friend of mine had asked me to write a post about the Dating panel (made up of some of our church elders) I attended on Sunday. I had a lot of thoughts about what was said that night and will be sharing with you some of my feedback on the panel's discussion. I need to state that my thoughts I share are mine alone and I realize that not everyone will agree...which is ok...since this is my blog. ;)

Here are things I learned and my thoughts will be in red:

One of the elders said, "Men don't like long walks on the beach unless the walk has a destination"!
~~ I disagree because I know many men that love these long walks with their significant other...and in my opinion long walks on the beach are a great way to romance the woman who has captured your heart...though that may depend on the woman...not every woman is a hopeless romantic like me. :)

We were informed that there isn't necessarily "ONE" person created specifically just for you...as long as he/she is a christian there could be a few potential candidates that could be that "Infamous ONE" ~~That revelation did burst my romantic bubble...NO - more like crushed it!! - here I thought GOD had woven(tailored) "The ONE" with just me in mind :(...Hmm after 29 yrs that's good to finally know that isn't the case...haha.

Qualities that are a must have in your future spouse:
1) Humble Heart
2) Grateful Heart
3) Generous Heart &
4) Servants Heart
~~ Well put and I whole-heartily agree!!! :)

Dating has benefits and those are:
*To get know yourself & other people
*To sharpen each other (Proverbs 27:17 - as iron sharpens iron)
*To build relationship skills
*To help heal and repair &
*It has valuue
~~ Infact the Elders encouraged us to date...so guys your orders have given by the Elders...they have handed you the torch...so pursue away...hint hint ;)

Regarding Dating & Sex (Galations 6:7 - a man reaps what he sows)
"Sex is pilates with a jolt, it's deep intimacy" ~ Tim Kimmel
Things you don't do:
1)DON''T go over to each others homes
2) DON'T go parking &
3) DON'T make out a lot!!
Hand to body = LAUNCH CODE (for guys)
Even looking at a girl can activate the LAUNCH CODE!
~~LAUNCH CODE = Houston we have a problem!!....Girls we need to do everything we can to protect these guys! After hearing this panel discussion on Dating...I am so glad that I wrote my recent post "To Hug Or Not To Hug"...if you haven't read it, you should! :)

On a final note these 4 books were recommended:
1) Boundaries in Dating by Townsend/Cloud
2) Love for a Lifetime by Dr. James Dobson
3) The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller &
4) The Invisible Bond by Barbara Wilson

Overall I thought the discussion was very informative and I learned a lot! :)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

To HUG Or Not To HUG!?!

Living a life of purity is not an easy one to live because it doesn't just pertain to sexual purity alone. It also involves how you carry yourself (how you live your life & your demeanor), how you present yourself ( the way you dress), your actions (the things you do or participate in) and your words (the things you say & the jokes you tell or laugh at). 2 Timothy 2:9-10 "Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works." Some of these actions may seem completely innocent...like hugging a friend - even a friend of the opposite sex.

But after talking to one of my guy friends...I was able to get a better understanding of how men react to our sexuality and physical attributes by just interacting with us and especially hugging us. I knew guys were turned on by touch...but I didn't realize how sensitive their bodies are to that touch. I didn't know that our scent draws them in and can be intoxicating to them...did you know that? And that just touching us by either their body brushing up against us as they pass us by or them giving us a hug while our bodies are embracing and touching theirs - will turn them on!...Causing them to say to themselves, "I liked that or those felt nice" and we cause them to stumble and cause them to have to fight that sexual temptation/urge/desire. I think us women sometimes forget the impact we have on guys just by breathing just by being ourselves. And I admit their are moments that I forget how easily affected men are by us.

I don't want to be the one who causes a brother in Christ to stumble let alone a non-christian. 1Corinthians 10:32 "Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God." Which is why I am writing this post and why GOD is leading me to make this change in my life that I am now making. For awhile now GOD has been strongly convicting me to stop hugging guys because of the damaging sinful impact that hug can have on these men who are trying to stay pure. I know many people reading this may not agree with what I am saying...In fact some may think I am weird or old fashioned but it doesn't matter because I don't live my life for them but for an "Audience of ONE". So after I spoke with this guy friend along with 2 of my girlfriends, it became even more clear what I needed to do.  So going forward I will NO LONGER be hugging any guys...except my male family members.

This decision isn't just to keep the men from stumbling but to also guard my heart while protecting theirs. Women are emotional beings and become emotionally attached very easily. Close contact (like hugging) with a guy can cause an emotional attachment to them. I don't need to be having an emotional attachment with anyone but my husband. And since the next guy I even kiss will be the guy I marry...I most certainly don't need to be hugging any guys. And especially with the way some of the guys hug - you know those full frontal hugs that places our faces so close to theirs making that hug become a very intimate encounter - will only set the scene for sin (whether sinful thought, desire etc.). Which isn't holy or wise!!
To my guy friends who I have hugged and who may not see hugging as a big deal or understand this sudden change..please know this has been something that has been heavy on my heart for years now. I appreciate you respecting this boundary. :)